Renting a Fireman

So, as something different on a Friday night, friends and I decided to attend the 6th annual Bay Area Firefighter Bachelor Auction. Held at the Red Devil Lounge in San Francisco, it was a fund raising event for a society that helps burn victims recover, definitely a worthy cause. But the web site was sketchy with the details. Still, an evening watching hot firemen beg for money is always fun.

And boy, did they beg. After some initial confusion about how we were getting to SF, we finally met in front of the club and wandered in. The place was interesting to look at, with table around the edges of the bar area, an upstairs area that was reserved for the “VIPs” (people who were willing to pay more to get in and meet and greet the firemen), and a dance floor with a stage at the front where the auction would take place. We ordered drinks and milled about.

The burn foundation did not do a good job of providing information to renters before the show. While it is a charity event and you know that they want your money for as little in return as possible, giving people advance information can make a big difference. The group date you got to go on with your fireman was an afternoon of wine tasting, which was nice. In Livermore, which was not so nice. On June 29th. When I will be out-of-town. Bidding starts at $150. Ok-ay. That would’ve been nice to know beforehand. There are only 10 firemen for rent.

After being subjected to the VIPs for an hour, the bachelor firemen came down to mingle with the potential buyers to try to raise our desire for them. Some were successful, some were not. One was just obnoxious, he really thought he was all that.

Then the show begins. The MCs ask for donations for things not hot firemen. And, what’s the point of that? You want my money and I don’t get a fireman? Hmm, nope. What’s that? A $10 donation for a shot and a glass? That I can do! Several times. Well, ok, just twice. And I swear, there was no alcohol in those shots. Because after two drinks and two shots, I don’t even have a buzz.

All the firemen come out and introduce themselves. Name, rank, serial number…no wait, that was something else…name, where they work, and their favorite candy. Most are not that memorable. Some were, like the guy who said his favorite candy tonight was you. Cheesy, but funny. A decent response for the evening. We groan and laugh. The last guy is so obnoxious. He says he’s worth the most. He thinks he’s hot. The four of us agree, yuck. They shuffle backstage.

The first one comes out to do his thing. He struts and dances. He rips his shirt off. We cheer. Bidding commences. He’s sold to a cougar for $450. The next one is similar, and the next. They vary a bit, but mostly they come out, dance and tear their clothes off as their price goes up. The oldest one (who we expected to be cheap) goes for $650 almost immediately. Some take longer. The cheesy one goes for the most, $1200. The obnoxious one goes for $800 after what felt like an hour of annoying dancing.

While we enjoyed the show, there were many things the foundation could’ve done to make more money:
1. More alcohol. People who are drunk, make bad money decisions and spend more.
2. Bring in the gay men. While cougars are happy to spend their ex-husband’s money to rent a cute fireman, gay men are much more likely to pay higher prices. The show was in SF, but there was a disturbing lack of gay men in the club.
3. More information up front. I can’t save up to buy a fireman if I don’t know what the cost is going to be. Even the starting cost. Or the date for the group date. I can’t buy a fireman if I’m not going to be in town.
4. Blonde bimbos should just have to pay more at the door. We ended up standing next to three platinum blonde bimbettes who were fake from head to toe – fake hair, nose jobs, collagen lips, fake tans, fake boobs, fake nails, liposuction. Paris Hilton wannabes. They weren’t even that good looking. But the firemen went gaga for them. They got at least three ripped off shirts thrown directly at them, but each time they flicked the shirt off with disdain, like it was a dead possum. They didn’t bid once (I guess they couldn’t afford it after the latest botox bill). But they took pictures of lots of the firemen on stage. And whatever they were talking about was pissing Sarah off to the point of violence. I think women like them should be banned from reality and only appear in porn films and LA.

So, we leave the bar to meet up with other friends and end up seeing some of the firemen from the show. They thank us for coming out and we all chat for a while. Sarah gives one of them her number. Ha. And she didn’t have to pay $150 or share him with 9 other couples. You go girl.

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